Funny Shop Signs: Humour

1) SIGN IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:

Bargain basement upstairs.


2) NOTICE SENT TO RESIDENTS OF A WILT SHIRE PARISH:

Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.


3) NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER's WINDOW:

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.


4) SIGN IN A LAUNDROMAT:

Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.


5) IN AN OFFICE:

After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board


6) Sign on motorway garage:Will and Guy's humour - elephant joke

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

7)  Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


8) Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.


9) Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES


10) Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS


11) Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


12) Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOw

 

Thanks & Regards

=================

Hemanth Bolem

"If you do not Hope, You will never find what is beyond Your Hopes"

|Associate System Engineer-Testing | SPRY Resources India Pvt. Ltd|

EMPOWERING IMAGINATION

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PSave Nature. Please don't print this e-mail unless you really need to.

Umbrella thief

A man gave all of his seven umbrellas for repair at one time and told the shopkeeper he would pick it up in the evening while back from work.

On the way to work in Bus, out of habit he grabbed the umbrella of the woman sitting next to him, got up and started walking.

The woman started yelled, "Umbrella thief, Umbrella thief."


The embarrassed guy returned the umbrella and apologized, before getting abused and beaten up by other woman loving passengers.

In the evening he picked up all his umbrellas repaired, put them under his arms and started walking towards home. Unfortunately the morning lady returning from work bumped into him.

The lady commented, "Seems, you had a profitable day at work today."

How To Put A Giraffe In The Fridge?

This famous quiz game has been developed by Andersen Consulting (now Accenture) and will help you understand better your style of thinking.

1. How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Correct answer: Open the fridge, put the giraffe inside, close the fridge. This question checks if you tend to make simple things complicated.

 

 

2. How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Wrong answer: Open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
Correct answer: Open the fridge, remove the giraffe, put the elephant inside, close the fridge. This question checks your ability to consider implications from your previous actions.

 

3. The Lion King organized a moot for the animals: all the animals are present but one. Which one?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the fridge. This checks your memory. Even though you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you will answer the next one for sure.

 

4. You have to cross a river, but it is populated by alligators. What are you going to do?
Correct answer: You swim across the river because all the alligators are attending the moot. This question checks if you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, 90% of the managers who undertook the test failed all the answers, on the contrary many children under 6 answered some questions correctly. Andersen Consulting says this is the proof that many top managers have the same brain as a 4-years old child!

Just 4 Laugh

Disclaimer: These Joke are Just to Make you Laugh. Blogger Doesn't Support Gender Discrimination.

 

A Foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

Three FASTEST means of Communication:
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral Of The Story: BE SPECIFIC

What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

Let us be generous like this: Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.
Ant 1 says: we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says: No, Let us break his Leg alone.
Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer: On their MARRIAGE.

When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

Marriage Mix Jokes

Marriage Mix Jokes

 

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"

******


A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London . I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year".

******


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

******


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,

She looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box giftwrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

******

Another Day with Sardar

Another Say with Sardar

*One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar:* Any great man born in this Village???
*Sardar:* no sir, only small Babies!!!

*Doctor to patient:* You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
*Patient:* Yes. A good doctor.

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.
U know why?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking...

*Sardar:* My mobile bill how much?
*Call centre girl:* sir, just dial 123to know current bill status
*Sardar:* Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.

A sardarji Doctor falls in Love with a Nurse.

He writes a love letter to the Nurse: -  "I Love U sister..."

*Sardar: *I think that girl is deaf..
*Friend:* How do u know?*
Sardar: *I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

*Sardar:* Miss, Did u call me on my mobile?
*Teacher: *Me? No, why?
*Sardar:* Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call".

*Judge:* Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court.
*Sardar to judge:* U R coming daily, don't U have shame?

*Sir:* What is difference between Orange and Apple?
*Sardar:* Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
*Manager:* Do U know MS Office?
*Sardar:* If U give me the address I will go there sir.

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: "Bombay... Bombay "

*Air hostess said: *"B silent."
*Sardar:* "Ok. Ombay. Ombay"

Sardar got a sms from his girl friend: "I MISS YOU"

*Sardarji replied:* "I Mr YOU" !!.

*Sardar:* Doctor! My Son swallowed a key
*Doctor:* When?
*Sardar:* 3 Months Ago
*Dr: *Wat were u doing till now?
*Sardar: *We were using duplicate key
*Dr:* So why did you come today?
*Sardar:* We lost the duplicate key!!

Why Sardar opens his lunch box in the middle of the road???
Just 2 confirm whether he is going to or coming back from the office....

After finishing MBBS Sardar started his practice.
He Checked 1st Patient's Eyes, Tongue & Ears with a Torch & Finally Said: "Oye, Torch is okay"

Lie Detector Robot

Lie detector robot

 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the shit out of her, not once, but three times.