Kanjoos Jokes

Kanjoos Makkhi Choos 

Kanjoos: Yeh kaila(banana) kaisay diya?
Shopkeeper: 1Rs.
Kanjoos: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?
S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.
Kanjoos:Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de 

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A Kanjoos on his death time.
My wife, where r u ?
Wife:Yes, Im here
My sons & daughters ru all here?
Yes, Papa
Kanjoos:To phir baju wale kamre ka pankha Q khula hay

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1 Kanjoos 14th floor se neche gira
Girte waqt usne apni ghar ki khirki me apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha
to chilla k bola
MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA! 
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Kanjoos ne arbi ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.
Arbi ne usay MERCEDES gift kardi.
Arbi ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari, Kanjoos ne phir khoon dia.
Ab k bar Arbi ne till waly laddu gift kiye, Kanjoos:Ghusse se, mercedez kion nahi di?
Arbi:Munna!! Ab hamarey ander bhi Kanjoos ka khoon dor raha hay

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A Kanjoos called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Baap Mar gaya hai, kya charges hongay? NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word.
Kanjoos: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho "Sohan Bhai Died".
Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!
Kanjoos: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do..... Acha likho....... ......... .
"Sohan Bhai Died - Suzuki for Sale "
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Kanjoos ask to Taxi Driver: Abdullah Shah Ghazi k mazaar jao gay?
Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.
Kanjoos ne jaib se shopper nikala or kaha:
Wapsi main langar ki biryani lete aana.
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Shadi me 1 Kanjoos bahut der tk khata raha,
Kise ne poocha bhai, kab tak khaty rhogy?
Kanjoos: Yaar me khud kha kha k thak gaya hun phir kya karoon, card me likha tha

"Dinner 7 to 10pm"
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Kanjoos to dukandar: Yaar zara toothbrush dena mere brush ka 1 baal toot gaya hai
Dukandar: 1 baal toota to naya q le rahe ho
Kanjoos: jo toota hai woh akhri tha.
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Titanic K Sath Kanjoos Bhi Doob Raha Tha Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha
Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?
Kanjoos: Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda

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Marwadi Power

A Marwadi having no child, no money, no home, a blind mother, prays to God.

God happy with his prayers, grants him only ONE wish!

Marwadi: I want my mother to see my wife putting Diamond bangles on my Child's hands in our new home!

God: Damn !!! I still have a lot to learn from these Marwadi's

Lessons learnt from the above story:-

 "Compile all requirements and present in one line rather than boring the appraiser for long time"

And the Winner Is.........

WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKED FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THELEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE

This is the winner:-

 

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.

 

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

 

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

 

I thought that I could love no other -
that is until I met your brother.

 

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

 

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

 

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

 

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped into smell this way?

 

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell."

 

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime

Why Indians are Targeted Abroad ?

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let us begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians.'

'Now,who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997! '

Now with almost mob hysteria, someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson (RIP) to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And, as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008" (During recession)

A Must Read: USED VS LOVED

USED VS LOVED

"Heat of the Moment" is a phrase often used. Have you really understood its true meaning?
Sometimes what we do in one Moment can change our lives forever - especially moments of acute Anger.

I believe we should read this and really think about it as well.

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times;not realizing he was using a wrench.

At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.  When the child saw his father..... with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?'  The man was too hurt and speechless.

He went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own actions....sitting in front of  that car he looked at the scratches; the child had written 'I LOVE YOU DAD'.

The next day that man went to his son and took him in his arms and wept and wept....
But that act could never be undone...and that moment could never be replaced.
So watch your actions and words all the time.

"Why cry over spilt milk?"....

Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely life.....

Things are to be used and people are to be loved...but the problem in  today's world is that, People are used and things are loved.

 

During this year, let's be careful to keep this thought in mind:

 

"Things are to be used, and People are to be loved."

Be yourself....This is the only Day we have.

Watch your thoughts; they become Words...
Watch your words; they become Actions...
Watch your actions; they become Habits...
Watch your habits they become Character...
Watch your character;it becomes your Destiny.

Have a nice day!

God bless you.

Nandan Nilekani can do it.....Fully Integrated ID Card System

Nandan Nilekani can do it.....Fully Integrated ID Card System for Indian Citizens

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, Heloo, can I order..."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose ID card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's he..., hold........on.....yeah.....889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... You're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jal Vayu. Your home number is 22678893, your office 25076666 and your mobile is 09869798888. Today morning you landed in India at IG International Airport. Welcome back, Sir. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 05, Sir. The total is Rs 500.00"

Customer: "Can I pay by! Credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 23,000.75 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Nano Car..."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Nano car,...registration number GZ-05-AB-1107.."

Customer: " ????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... By the way... Aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$% ^

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir.. Remember on 15th July 2010 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints]

Ten Amazing Coincidences - Truly Amazing

Ten Amazing Coincidences

What's in a Name?
 
A computer error gave two women in America called Patricia the same social security number. When the two women were brought together in an office to rectify the blunder they discovered that:
     

      They had both been born with the names Patricia Ann Campbell
      Both of their fathers were called Robert Campbell
      Their birthdays were on 13th March 1941
      They had both married military men in the year 1959 (within eleven days of each other)
      They each had two children aged 19 and 21
      They both had an interest in oil painting
      Both had studied cosmetics
      Both had worked as book-keepers

Bullet With Your Name on It
 
In 1893, Henry Ziegland ended a relationship with his girlfriend.

Tragically, his girlfriend took the news very badly, became distraught and took her own life.

Her distressed brother blamed his sister's death upon Henry, he went round to Henry's house, saw him out in the garden and tried to shoot him.

Luckily, the bullet only grazed Henry's face and embedded itself in a nearby tree.

In 1913, twenty years after this incident, Henry decided to use dynamite to uproot a tree in his garden. The explosion propelled the embedded bullet from the tree straight into Henry Ziegland's head - killing him immediately.

Lucky Hughs?

On December 5th 1660, a ship sank in the straights of Dover - the only survivor was noted to be Hugh Williams.

On 5th December 1767, another ship sank in the same waters - 127 lost their lives, the only survivor was noted to be Hugh Williams

On 8th August 1820, a picnic boat capsized on the Thames - there was one survivor - Hugh Williams.

On 10th July 1940, a British trawler was destroyed by a German mine - only two men survived, one man and his nephew - they were both called Hugh Williams.

With a Quack Quack Here

Mr McDonald was a farmer who lived in Canada - nothing extra-ordinary in that - until you learn that his postcode contained the letter sequence EIEIO.

Till Death Did Them Part

In 1996, Paris police set out to investigate a late night, high speed car crash; both drivers had been killed instantly.

Investigations revealed that the deceased were in fact man and wife.

Police initially suspected some kind of murder or suicide pact but it became apparent that the pair had been separated for several months - neither could have known that the other would have been out driving that night - it was just a terrible coincidence.

She's Behind You!

Michael Dick had been travelling around the UK with his family to track down his daughter, Lisa - who he had lost contact with ten years earlier.

After a long fruitless search, he approached the Suffolk Free Press, who agreed to help him by putting an appeal in their newspaper.

Fortunately, his long lost daughter saw the appeal and the pair were reunited. The odd thing was, his daughter had been right behind him when the free paper took the photograph - shown in the photograph above. What are the chances of that!

Licensed To Thrill

A fifteen year old pupil at Argoed High School in North Wales was to sit his GCSE examinations in 1990.

His name was James Bond - his examination paper reference was 007.

What Goes Around….

In 1965, at the age of four, Roger Lausier was swimming off a beach in Salem - he got into difficulties and was saved from drowning by a woman called Alice Blaise.

In 1974, on the same beach, Roger was out on a raft when he pulled a drowning man from the water - amazingly, the man he saved was Alice Blaise's husband.

Lightning Never Strikes Twice?

British cavalry officer Major Summerford was fighting in the fields of Flanders in the last year of WW1, a flash of lightning knocked him off his horse and paralyzed him from his waist down.

He moved to Vancouver, Canada, six years later, whilst out fishing, Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again and the right side of his body became paralyzed.

After two years of recovery, it was a summer's day and he was out in a local park, a summer storm blew up and Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again - permanently paralyzing him.

He died two years after this incident.

However, four years after his death, his stone tomb was destroyed - it was struck by lightning!

Practice What You Preach

Businessman Danie de Toit made a speech to an audience in South Africa - the topic of his speech was - watch out because death can strike you down at any time.

At the end of his speech, he put a peppermint in his mouth, and choked to death on it!

Think Positive -- I am Thankful...B'Cos

This is nice - finding positive out of every negative - which we don't always manage to do...

I am thankful...B'Cos

1. For the husband who snores all night, because he is at home asleep with me and not with someone else.

2. For my teenage daughter who is complaining about doing dishes, because that means she is at home & not on the streets.

3. For the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.

4. For the mess to clean after a party because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.

5. For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

6. For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

7. For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning because it means I have a home.

8. For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means that we have freedom of speech.

9. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.

10. For the noise I have to bear from my neighbours because it means that I can hear.

11. For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.

12. For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.

13. For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am still alive.

AND FINALLY ....... For received e-mails because it means I have friends who are thinking of me, at least.

Please tell me "WHY"

Please tell me "WHY"

WHY (can anyone give the answers)

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

8. Why do Kamikaze(Suicidal) pilots wear helmets?

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lips"?

10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

15 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

19. In Winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in Summer, when we complained about the heat in Summer?

20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

About Women

# Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

# Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

# Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

# Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

# Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

# Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

# Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

# Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

# Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

# Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

# Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

# Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.


" Hold on tightly to what is Truly important to life"

 

Thanks & Regards

=================

Hemanth Bolem

"Do right and fear no man"

 

|Associate System Engineer-Testing | SPRY Resources India Pvt. Ltd|

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The Christian Bear

The Christian Bear

An atheist(Non-Beleiver) was taking a walk through the woods "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly Bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

 

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."

 

********

Rakshabandhan

To My Dear Sister,                                          Rakheee Greetings from your Brother

Regards,

Hemanth Bolem