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Sunday, November 30, 2008

Todays Jokes

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.  He sits down at the bar to have a drink when the bartender screams, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
 
"No, what?" asks the man
 
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table.........WHOLE!"
 
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
 
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.  Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey with him.  He orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar again.  While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl of Maraschino Cherries on the bar.  He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.  Then the Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
 
The bartender is disgusted, "Did you see what your Monkey did now?"
 
"No, what?" replied the man.
 
"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out and ate them!" said the bartender.
 
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," the guy replied, "He still eats everything in sight but ever since he had to shit that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

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Universal law:

"Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money . "


First law:

"a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until on unless
any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy."


Second law:

" the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. "


Third law:

"the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals.
 
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Laugh about your mistakes,

But, learn from them.

Joke over your troubles,

But, gather strength from them.

Have fun with your difficulties,

But, overcome them.

That's the way to live LIFE.

*********************************************************************************************

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my
hand, oh!

Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his
head. 
Is he crying?

Monday, November 10, 2008

Jokes

************************************************
LITTLE LALOO

Little Lalloo was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. 'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother. 'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness, until little Lalloo thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?'
************************************************
Every day, Mr. Koch has to cross the rier by ferry in order to get to work.

Waking up late one morning, he dressed quickly, ran out the door and raced to the dock. The boat was several yards away, and stepping back and taking a mighty leap, Mr. Koch landed with a crash on the deck.

"Made it!" he cried triumphantly.

"So?" said one of the passengers, "What was the rush? The boat is coming in."
************************************************
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"And did he?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
************************************************
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
************************************************
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a baseball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Fine.'

A few days later, the father says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, 'I can't ., I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy -'$1,000'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again'
.
************************************************
The manager was very angry with this beginner who wanted a very high salary. He asked him why he wanted so much money whereas he had no experience.
The beginner replied "Work is very difficult when you are a beginner. It becomes easier as you get experience."
************************************************

Microsoft Europe Chairman Selection

Microsoft Europe Chairman Selection

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Mr. Reddy an Indian (Hyderabad) guy.

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave.2000 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room. 

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak  Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Reddy turns to the other candidate and says 'Elaa vunnavu babu'
The other candidate answers 'Baguunanu babu '

Bill Gates Congratulated them "Wonderful both of you were selected".

Don't Loose your Confidence ever.........................

My Wife : Good Joke

My Wife : Good Joke
 
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
 

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Control Statements I

A programming language uses control statements to cause the flow of execution to advance and branch based on changes to the state of a program. Java's program control statements can be put into the following categories: selection, iteration, and jump. Selection statements allow your program to choose different paths of execution based upon the outcome of an expression or the state of a variable. Iteration statements enable program execution to repeat one or more statements (that is, iteration statements form loops). Jump statements allow your program to execute in a nonlinear fashion. All of Java's control statements are examined here.

 

If you know C/C++/C#, then Java's control statements will be familiar territory. In fact, Java's control statements are nearly identical to those in those languages. However, there are a few differences—especially in the break and continue statements.

 

Java's Selection Statements

Java supports two selection statements: if and switch. These statements allow you to control the flow of your program's execution based upon conditions known only during run time. You will be pleasantly surprised by the power and flexibility contained in these two statements.

 

if

The if statement was introduced in. It is examined in detail here. The if statement is Java's conditional branch statement. It can be used to route program execution through two different paths.

 

Here is the general form of the if statement:

 

if (condition) statement1;

else statement2;

 

Here, each statement may be a single statement or a compound statement enclosed in curly braces (that is, a block). The condition is any expression that returns a boolean value.

 

The else clause is optional.

 

The if works like this: If the condition is true, then statement1 is executed. Otherwise, statement2 (if it exists) is executed. In no case will both statements be executed.

 

For example, consider the following:

 

int a, b;

// ...

if(a < b) a = 0;

else b = 0;

 

Here, if a is less than b, then a is set to zero. Otherwise, b is set to zero. In no case are they both set to zero. Most often, the expression used to control the if will involve the relational operators. However, this is not technically necessary. It is possible to control the if using a single Boolean variable, as shown in this code fragment:

 

boolean dataAvailable;

// ...

if (dataAvailable)

ProcessData();

else

waitForMoreData();

 

Remember, only one statement can appear directly after the if or the else. If you want to include more statements, you'll need to create a block, as in this fragment:

 

int bytesAvailable;

// ...

if (bytesAvailable > 0) {

ProcessData();

bytesAvailable -= n;

} else

waitForMoreData();

 

Here, both statements within the if block will execute if bytesAvailable is greater than zero. Some programmers find it convenient to include the curly braces when using the if, even when there is only one statement in each clause. This makes it easy to add another statement at a later date, and you don't have to worry about forgetting the braces. In fact, forgetting to define a block when one is needed is a common cause of errors.

 

For example, consider the following code fragment:

 

int bytesAvailable;

// ...

if (bytesAvailable > 0) {

ProcessData();

bytesAvailable -= n;

} else

waitForMoreData();

bytesAvailable = n;

 

It seems clear that the statement bytesAvailable = n; was intended to be executed inside the else clause, because of the indentation level. However, as you recall, whitespace is insignificant to Java, and there is no way for the compiler to know what was intended. This code will compile without complaint, but it will behave incorrectly when run.

 

The preceding example is fixed in the code that follows:

 

int bytesAvailable;

// ...

if (bytesAvailable > 0) {

ProcessData();

bytesAvailable -= n;

} else {

waitForMoreData();

bytesAvailable = n;

}

 

Nested ifs

A nested if is an if statement that is the target of another if or else. Nested ifs are very common in programming. When you nest ifs, the main thing to remember is that an else statement always refers to the nearest if statement that is within the same block as the else and that is not already associated with an else.

 

Here is an example:

 

if(i == 10) {

if(j < 20) a = b;

if(k > 100) c = d; // this if is

else a = c; // associated with this else

}

else a = d; // this else refers to if(i == 10)

 

As the comments indicate, the final else is not associated with if(j<20), because it is not in the same block (even though it is the nearest if without an else). Rather, the final else is associated with if(i==10). The inner else refers to if(k>100), because it is the closest if within the same block.

 

The if-else-if Ladder

A common programming construct that is based upon a sequence of nested ifs is the if-else-if ladder.

 

It looks like this:

if(condition)

statement;

else if(condition)

statement;

else if(condition)

statement;

...

else

statement;

 

The if statements are executed from the top down. As soon as one of the conditions controlling the if is true, the statement associated with that if is executed, and the rest of the ladder is bypassed. If none of the conditions is true, then the final else statement will be executed. The final else acts as a default condition; that is, if all other conditional tests fail, then the last else statement is performed. If there is no final else and all other conditions are false, then no action will take place.

 

Here is a program that uses an if-else-if ladder to determine which season a particular month is in.

 

// Demonstrate if-else-if statements.

class IfElse {

public static void main(String args[]) {

int month = 4; // April

String season;

if(month == 12 || month == 1 || month == 2)

season = "Winter";

else if(month == 3 || month == 4 || month == 5)

season = "Spring";

else if(month == 6 || month == 7 || month == 8)

season = "Summer";

else if(month == 9 || month == 10 || month == 11)

season = "Autumn";

else

season = "Bogus Month";

System.out.println("April is in the " + season + ".");

}

}

 

Here is the output produced by the program:

April is in the Spring.

 

You might want to experiment with this program before moving on. As you will find, no matter what value you give month, one and only one assignment statement within the ladder will be executed.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Mad Jokes

 

Mad Cows

Two cows are chatting in a field. One says to the other, "Are you worried by this mad cow disease?"

The second cow says, "It doesn't affect me - I'm a rabbit!"

 

Noisy Neighbor

Young Jock McTavish from Glasgow went to study at a university in England and was living in the hall of residence. After a week his mother rang him. "How do you get along with the other students, Jock?" she asked.

"Well," he replied, "they are terribly noisy people. The one on one side keeps banging his head on the wall. The one on the other side screams all night."

"Oh Jock!" said his mother. "How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbours?"

"I don't do anything. I just sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes!"

 

Breathe in....breathe out

A hairdresser was trying to cut a blonde's hair but, because she refused to take off the headset of her iPod, he found his task very difficult. Finally, exasperated, he pulled off the handset and she collapsed on the floor.

An ambulance rushed her to hospital but too late, she was dead. The hairdresser felt very bad about this but wondered what she was listening to.

He put on the headset and heard the words, "Breathe in....breathe out....breathe in....!"

 

Paddy's Wood

Paddy Fitzgerald had worked in a timber yard for five years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

He told the priest. "Father, it's five years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the timber yard all that time."

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

Fitzgerald said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the timber!"

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Nice Ones

Hitler asked for a stenographer but was given a loptop.Don't you know,
he screamed, "I am a dictator".

Interviewer: Why are you changing your current job?
Applicant:Because the company shifted,and they did'not tell me where?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Courage is the price that life enacts for granting peace.

Ram: My wifeWent out to buy Ladies finger last week,but not returned.
Bheem: Then why don't you cook something else?

Even ifyou are on the right track,you will get runover if you just sit there.

Ram: Where did you get those big eyes ?
Bheem:They came with the face.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Sardar's Letter to Bill Gates

 

Sardar's Letter to Bill Gates:

Dear Mr.Bill Gates,

We have bought a Computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your Notice.

1. There is a “Start” Button but there is not "Stop" Button, We request to Check This.

2. One Doubt is whether any “Recycle Scooter" is available in the System? I find only 'Re-cycle bin' but I own a scooter own a scooter at my home.

3. My child learnt "Microsoft Word" now he wants to learn “Microsoft Sentence ". So When will U Provide that?

4. There is "Microsoft Office" but what about “Microsoft Home" since I use PC at Home only.

One Personal Question - How is that your Name is "Gates" but You are selling “Windows" ?

 

Nice Inspiration