Speeding Charges
Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges.
When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there. So instead of wasting time waiting around, they decided to try each other.
Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"
"Guilty," replied Tyler.
"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court," said Katz.
Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places.
"How do you plead?" asked Tyler.
"Guilty," replied Katz.
Tyler reflected for a moment."These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail!"
Two Strangers
Two strangers, a man and a woman, meet in a cafe.
The man asks, "My Dear, would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?"
"A million dollars?" the woman inquired. "Well, yes, I guess I would."
"OK," the man said. "Would you go to bed with me for $100?"
The woman was aghast. "What kind of person do you think I am?" she exclaimed.
The man replied, "My Dear, we have already established that. We are merely haggling over the price!"
Father Of Who
A man walks into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.
She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asks, "Do I know you?"
The woman answers "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
The man thinks for a minute, then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on
his wife.
He says to the woman, "Are you that exotic dancer that was at my best friend's bachelor party about 5 years ago? You know, the one I did it with on the pool table while everyone was watching?"
The woman looks at him horrified and says, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Firewood
Floyd picked up the phone and called the Sheriff's Office.
"Hello," he said. "Is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes it is," the voice came back. "What can I do for you?"
Floyd replied, "I'm callin' to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his firewood and hidin' marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir," the voice replied.
Within the hour, the Sheriff and his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!" Virgil answers.
"Did they split yer firewood?" Floyd asks.
"Yep!" Virgil answers.
Floyd says, "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
Going to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
She answered, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
"Now what brought this on?" he asked.
She answered, "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I do for you for free!"
He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
He replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" she asked.
He said, "I just have to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year!"
Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges.
When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there. So instead of wasting time waiting around, they decided to try each other.
Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"
"Guilty," replied Tyler.
"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court," said Katz.
Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places.
"How do you plead?" asked Tyler.
"Guilty," replied Katz.
Tyler reflected for a moment."These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail!"
Two Strangers
Two strangers, a man and a woman, meet in a cafe.
The man asks, "My Dear, would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?"
"A million dollars?" the woman inquired. "Well, yes, I guess I would."
"OK," the man said. "Would you go to bed with me for $100?"
The woman was aghast. "What kind of person do you think I am?" she exclaimed.
The man replied, "My Dear, we have already established that. We are merely haggling over the price!"
Father Of Who
A man walks into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.
She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asks, "Do I know you?"
The woman answers "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
The man thinks for a minute, then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on
his wife.
He says to the woman, "Are you that exotic dancer that was at my best friend's bachelor party about 5 years ago? You know, the one I did it with on the pool table while everyone was watching?"
The woman looks at him horrified and says, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Firewood
Floyd picked up the phone and called the Sheriff's Office.
"Hello," he said. "Is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes it is," the voice came back. "What can I do for you?"
Floyd replied, "I'm callin' to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his firewood and hidin' marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir," the voice replied.
Within the hour, the Sheriff and his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!" Virgil answers.
"Did they split yer firewood?" Floyd asks.
"Yep!" Virgil answers.
Floyd says, "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
Going to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
She answered, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
"Now what brought this on?" he asked.
She answered, "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I do for you for free!"
He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
He replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" she asked.
He said, "I just have to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year!"
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